Two worlds, one interaction. Two realities create two personalities. Two reflections deeply connected for they are both the same as well as the opposite. Through constant interaction, they both change. The dominant half influences the submissive half until it becomes dominant and the tables turn. It’s a pattern of progress which cannot be stopped. And to think it all started with developing a strategy to restrict my mind and make sure there will only be one man pulling the strings, the one i see in the mirror. I know i couldn’t have chosen a better leader. As i stand before it staring at my own reflection i can sense waves of information breaking through the thin piece of glass separating two worlds, reality and fiction. I know there is nothing on the other side, it’s all in my own mind divided through an optical illusion. Never trust what you see, salt also looks like sugar. Yet the taste tells a different story, it proofs us how unreliable our eyes actually are. As soon as you realize that you start looking for other ways to determine the nature of things. Once you determine the nature of things you understand you do not have to be like water, because you have always been like water without knowing it. A substance through which waves can propagate. And if you understand that the propagation of these waves is the foundation of your being then you will comprehend immortality. All these things you see and act upon have never been as important as you thought it whas. We are all formless, shapeless and endless, but limited in our vision by our own restrictions. And then we wake up, from a long sleep or an endless dream shocked of what we see. Our eyes carefully register what happens around us in images, while the mind transforms it into a complete picture. We see chaos, constant decline and disintegration of mental unification by specialisation. A growing eye for detail and a declining view on the bigger picture, for constant division has set the scales of balance and now we are in a declining motion. Isn’t that an interesting way to start a story? But what if isn’t just a story, but a complete view on reality? What if the game has already begun? This is more than just a story, this is my life. To those who haven’t figured it out already i have a confession to make; i have an information processing disorder. I can’t remember how long i have had it and if it is a product of nature or nurture, but i have had this for as long as my memories go back. My senses are extremely sharp and i can absorb an incredible amount of information from a variety of different principles or sources, a lot more than a human mind can usually process. I tried to run away from it for years by pushing all information which i couldn’t process aside, but the pile of ignored information became bigger and bigger and i knew somewhere in that pile had to be a way out. And so i started digging inside my own abyss and found more than i could ever imagine. A lot more than my own identity, something a man like me shouldn’t have found. At least that’s my own opinion. I guess if i had no need for it i wouldn’t have found it, for power comes to the call of a need not a desire. Every answer i found raised the same question; who am i? Am i Sativa? Or Avitas? Or maybe i am Savita, a combination of the inner and outer me to perform the miracle of one only thing; unification. I never gave much thought into the names i bear. Sativa stands for my social creative side which i suppressed by using Indica medication. Avitas is what comes out eventually if don’t suppress; my destructive dominant side. I used to consider Avitas to be my evil side, but since it always comes out to the call of a need it has to be my powerful side. Then again, if that side was so powerful how come i was able to push it aside? So many questions are still left unanswered, and that’s fine for now. As long as i am searching, i will be writing. As long as i am writing i am changing, slowly becoming one with my opposite half. There’s no hurry, time is on my side. My age is thirty one and my life has never been so easy and complicated at the same time. I stand on the edge of countless paradoxes and see beyond the limits of common perception. What more can a man wish for? Perhaps people to share it with. You are here now, so i will share it with you. As long as we share we change, this counts for both the writer and the reader. They both form another paradox, both human but on the opposite side of the interaction. Two worlds divided through a piece of paper, but waves of information will break through.
Today we are staying in one world; the one you are all in as well. A lot of things happened as i advance through the path i chose in order to change myself. I keep on searching for ways to invoke my fears and confront them. I know it is the only way to repair myself. The sun rises slowly as i wake up in a small house somewhere in the north of the Netherlands. I am Avitas and i shouldn’t be here, but i am and i know how and why. Two worlds are divided through a wall of reflections, but i came through as information. However, this body doesn’t work the way it should work, i am aware of that. I stand before you as a broken man, and i need to fix myself. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and i have walked that road many times now. Every time i get a bit deeper into my state of self awareness hoping to find the programming errors in my mind and a way to fix them. To defeat my demons, and they come with many. So what is your greatest fear? Have you ever imagined a pain so terrible that you would rather die than feel it any longer? Imagine that pain being stuck with you forever, that is hell. For me it is the pain of seeing someone you love being destroyed in front of you. I know it has everything to do with my past memories and a feeling of weakness it invokes which have never managed to process decently. I found that out the hard way, by searching for experiences similar to my past memories. I learned from those experiences that who i was has been a simple product of teaching and nurture, but it has never been my nature. Nature and nurture are two important aspects of psychology, but they are not properly aligned. Nature is the opposite of nurture nowadays. It causes internal division and in struggle against our nature we are weakened and easily conquered. I am awake and aware, and i have aligned nature and nurture the past few years to unify those. The best nurture is to become one with nature, and in this oneness we can find many colors. It’s a nice speech, but it’s not a story. The story is already happening and i can’t tell you how this is going to end. I don’t know, since i already walked across a border which i thought i would never cross. I know my fears drew those lines which i thought i could never cross, and i keep on removing them one by one. That is the story, as simple as it is. I can’t guarantee you that you will be able to see the end of this, because i could very well meet my maker in the process. I do not fear death anymore, not for me that is. If i would i wouldn’t be training with a razor-sharp katana on a daily basis. Unfortunately the past few weeks learned me i still fear death for the people around me, as i have walked beside a girl with suicidal thoughts who has put some of those thoughts in action. It is hard to understand for a man who always fought to survive why someone would try so hard to kill themselves, but it does open your eyes. Allow me to share the experience with you.
“Are you ok?”, i ask her while i look deep into her eyes. I can feel something is wrong. “I think it’s better if you take a walk in the park, i need some time alone to relax a bit”, she answers. Thinking of my own experience with new people in my life i can understand she needs a bit of quietness around her to process all information, so i take my phone and my coat and decide to go along with it. “I’ll be back in a while, take care”, i say with a smile and she smiles back to me. It’s about 10 o’clock and it’s slowly getting dark outside. The park is close to her house, only a few blocks away. I know i need to give her some time and space, so i decide to make a long walk. Right at the first bench i take a seat and i decide to roll up a nice joint. I know she doesn’t like me smoking, but she also knows it’s my medication and it calms my mind and helps me get to sleep at night. She used medication as well so she knows what it’s like. Carefully i close the white paper with the tobacco, the filter tip and the mary jane and i continue my walk across this park. A few drops of rain fall from the sky slowly, but due to the temperature it’s more like a pleasant refreshment. I feel happy. It felt like ages ago since i have had this much fun with a women. Most of my time i spend in combat with the things that are dragging me down. There is a lot wrong inside my mind and i am far from where i should be. I have been living inside my dreams for too long while i have been slowly dying on the outside but i managed to turn it around. Now my dreams are slowly decreasing but in reality i grow slowly and become stronger every day. It’s quiet in the area except for a few young people who occupy the benches nearby. Suddenly the phone rings. She probably wants to know how long i will be out. I try to sound crystal clear as i enter the phone, i don’t want her to notice a thing from my addiction. “Hi dear, i`m..”, before i am able to complete my sentence she responds in panic. “You need to get over here right away! An ambulance is already on it’s way!”. I can hear she`s crying and my heart starts pumping adrenaline through my body. “I’m on my way, hang on”, i reply with a nearly emotionless cold voice and i instantly start running as fast as i can while i lay down the phone and put it back inside the pocket of my trousers. All sorts of thoughts are rushing through my mind. Only one thing matters: i have to get there as fast as i can. Time moves by slowly at the moment you feel the sense of danger and i probably took only 2 minutes to cross the entire park to reach her apartment, but it felt like much longer. I hit the button at the bottom of the apartment building next to her house number and a buzzing sound exits the speaker on the panel. Still gasping for air, i push the door of the gallery aside and make my way up the stairs. She is already waiting for me and i can feel something is wrong. “Are you ok? What happened?”, i ask her with a worried look on my face while i still try to regain my breath. “I took to many meds, an ambulance is already on it’s way”, she replies with a guilty face. I put an arm around her and give her a small kiss on her head. “Don’t worry, everything is going to be alright”, i whisper to her. “What did you took?”. She guides me towards the table in the back of the small living room and i can see a few empty strips of different kinds. At that moment i can hear sirens coming close, must be the ambulance arriving. At this point i’m just speechless. “What did i miss? What could i have done to prevent this? I’m such an idiot for not noticing..”, where some of the thoughts going through my mind at that time. The bells rings and she pushes the button next to the door of her apartment to open the door of the gallery downstairs. Heavy footsteps move up the stairs and a few minutes later a few paramedics enter the room. They immediately start asking us sorts of questions and they can clearly see there is a difference between the two of us. I’m still sweating from the run through the park and it probably wasn’t very hard to spot the panic on my face. If only i was able to push my emotions aside, i would have noticed something wasn’t quite right. She doesn’t seem to show any sign of stress or emotion. I went with her that evening to the hospital and spend the entire night beside her. A cold feeling took over me, the kind of feeling i usually had before taking a leap of faith. I knew from that point i had to learn from the mistake i was about to make. The next morning the doctors ran through all sorts of tests and she seemed ok, but the minute they told her she had to wait for a psychiatric report she lost control over herself and i saw the devil come out in person. She wanted to leave instantly and even started a fight at the elevators with the guards. I just stood there, i knew i could restrain this girl with only a bit of effort, but i didn’t. I only watched the scene from a slight distance. I am not the one to fight her, that isn’t why i am here. I was there to simply watch and learn, and i knew. The moment the security began to get agitated and become a bit more ruff i simply warned them. “Be careful what you do, if you hurt her i will interfere and your problem will grow very fast”, i said to the guards with a cold and hard voice and they instantly loosened their grip on her. A few nurses came to their assistance and after a few minutes she was held down on the hospital bed in the chamber we spend the night while the guards keep her down. “You’d better ask for a council by phone because if we have to wait till the end of the day you will need a lot more security”, i tell the nurse who is responsible for her final examination. Unwillingly they agree with the choice, knowing it was the best way to solve things within procedures without making this more difficult than it already was. As soon as my girl heard she was allowed to leave she calmed down and turned back into the sweet girl she usually is. I know people wondered why i didn’t felt embarrassed, or offended, but i didn’t. I could only feel sorry for her and worried about her. Powerless as well, i tried to give her a good time but apparently i failed miserably. If i wouldn’t we would have ended up there. We took a taxi back to her apartment and she immediately went to bed. I walked over to her balcony and took a seat in the sun with a cigarette and a cup of coffee. For almost an hour i just sat there smoking and staring at the sky. I tried to think of nothing and keep my mind calm at all costs. Somewhere deep inside part of me already gave her up, everything else was just a waste of time from that point on. Within twentyfour hours she took her second overdose. This time they had to force her to drink active carbon to flush her stomach. I was sitting next to her and all i saw was a ghost. It’s like her soul had already left her body. I tried to put it aside but i couldn’t, this girl was dying slowly in front of me. Within a week we said goodby. Not because i wanted to let go, but because she didn’t want to destroy me. I didn’t try to resist, i just packed my things and left. I knew she was right and she could feel it. I knew this was my last lesson, to learn to let go. It doesn’t matter what i want, even if it is as noble as trying to save someone. If you don’t want the same you are only fooling yourself. You can’t save a person that doesn’t want to be saved, but give and you will receive.
The days that followed i was devastated. Many bad memories came back and i looked deep into the mirror to discover my fears, the things that constantly cloud my judgement. Some touched me, but i couldn’t care for most of them. I know by know my good intentions lead me back to hell every single time, but i have already beaten all of my demons before. I’m just not impressed anymore. There is only one struggle which i face on a daily basis; the fight against incorrect emotional responses which are a result of a messed up childhood. I can hear the famous quote of Bram Stoker going through my mind at every single encounter. “Remember my friend, that knowledge is stronger than memory and we should not trust the weaker”. But i don’t want to be alone any longer. I can see people playing strategic games all around me every single day and it’s getting harder to resist the urge to free myself and become the one i am. The most terrible player you can encounter on a battleground. The one that doesn’t walk away and keeps fighting till everything around him has been turned into ashes. I know i am a prince now, but only in hell. I spend so much time trying to survive in a hell like environment that know i am starting to look like i truly belong here. Even though deep inside i know i don’t. What difference does it make? Down here where they fight to survive they hate me for being the worst, up there where they all play the game of chess they hate me as well for being the best. No one likes competition and the only way to avoid a fight is to stop being competition. I don’t play the game any longer, i just let the others play and avoid every move.It’s what i do best, defending against an overwhelming power. The power of the mass hunger for entertainment. I did nothing and felt nothing. I made my mind empty inside and enjoyed the moment. Not that i didn’t care, but i just learned to let go when things go beyond my control. I was just dreaming of a better reality, and then suddenly it came back to me. Not only did my long lost friend who helped me start this transformation came back, but another girl came to me and turned me upside down.It’s my own fault, i need to learn to pull; back whenever i`m weak or i will go down eventually. And i tried when she invited me to come over to her place, but i was unable to refuse when she offered to come over to my place. We talked a bit more, and soon i found out i was looking straight into the eyes of one of my reflections again. She was both the same and the opposite of who i am. Creative, inspiring, kind, caring, but so much softer… I know i lost a lot of my softness along the way and i fear i won’t get it back so easily. We talked a lot and i grew more fond of her by the day. She seemed to have an everlasting hunger for information and she could look right through me. I just started opening up like a flower in bloom and everything i kept bottled up inside me just started pouring out. My heart just woke up, and since i am no longer the one i used to be i might even be able to keep this under control. At least that’s what i hope for, because i haven’t felt anything like this in a long time. It still frightens me, last time i felt it it nearly destroyed me. However i already gave up every form of resistance. I don’t want to fight it any longer. And so after a few weeks of talking she finally came to my place. From the other side of the country she took the train and travelled over 5 hours to reach my place. When i picked her up at the station i didn’t know what to expect. At first she seemed a bit shy, but damn... She looked beautiful and i had trouble hiding my thoughts. I knew she could feel my heart pumping from the moment i saw her. I also knew where this was going to take me, right back into the battle i just came from. As soon as we got to my house she took a look around and scouted the area like a true lioness, interrogating me along the way as well. I was just amazed by her beauty and i lost all logic almost instantly. Luckily i could still see the reflections of my behavior on her. I tried my best to drop down all of my defensive behavior and to open up for her. Unfortunately i hit a wall somewhere. My own wall, which i have build out of fear to protect my feelings from any damage coming from my environment. And i have been living in a hostile environment for so long i can assure you that`s quite an impressive wall by now. But somehow i did break it down and i opened up slowly. We started by taking a walk, but it was clear she was already exhausted. I could see it, but i had to push her a bit to see how far she would let me push her. When we got close to the store she confessed she was a bit agitated and needed some time alone. I could feel this was the point i had to give in so i did, and i left her for a moment. As soon as i got back i could see she calmed down a bit and we walked back while we discussed it. I still couldn’t figure her out, her softness seemed to overcome every bit of stress she had. Also the stress i was having and i knew as long as i felt emotions i was easy to read. Maybe i just didn’t mind either, it felt good. I just wasn’t quite prepared for the fact she touched my heart during the process and woke it up. Fear just took over, and i knew what kind of fear it was. The fear of losing someone dear to me. I just felt like something burned all the way through me and she noticed. Normally i would have created a distance but this time i didn’t. My softness overcame as well and i just confessed. Strange isn’t it? I have no problem confronting enemies, but as soon as someone touches my heart i am just terrified. It feels like a major weakness but i know why now. It isn’t the heart that makes me weak, it’s the fear of losing it. It’s a good thing i had some practice and i already lost most of what i cared about along the way. I learned all emptiness automatically gets refilled by the laws of natural correspondence, so my fears will go away eventually and will be replaced by something else. Perhaps truth, until then i am just a dreamer. This dream felt good. We grew closer together that day, but the closer we got the more fear i felt. By the time the evening came i was filled with it. We went to sleep, but my sleep wasn’t really comfortable. Within an hour i woke up bathing in my own sweat and i knew what it meant. Luckily i can’t remember dreams anymore. They just fade away and when i wake up i can only remember darkness. I went downstairs and got my medication while i tried not to wake her up. I guess she could feel the tension all over the place. After a few minutes i could hear her walking up the stairs towards my room and she sat aside me on my bed. Somehow she knew what was going through me, she asked me to come down and sit with her and i did. We talked a lot that night and i promised myself i wouldn’t hold back any secrets. It’s no use, i don’t want to hide anything for her. Somehow i did make the right choice. She asked me if i wanted to stay with her and so i did. I fell asleep next to her with my arm wrapped around her and i haven’t felt so peaceful in a long time. Only god knows how long i was waiting for this. I have had attention in all different forms the past few years, but no one ever gave me so much love. Her words still echo through my mind that night:”I’m not afraid of the beast that’s inside of you”. She even drew a picture for me of a lion with the face of a skeleton. Her heart can see right through me, the lion who already died several times inside while fighting for the wrong people.
“Sometimes the world no longer needs a hero, sometimes what it needs is a monster”- Dracula untold.
I would do anything to protect the people i love. I would destroy my pride, my body, my soul and my dignity. I would even destroy myself if i were to become a threat to anyone i care about. Heaven knows i already did and i also came back from that one. I nearly lost my heart along the way, but somehow i managed to keep it by dividing myself and shutting it down to avoid further damage. All i needed to bring it back alive is an act of true love. And the power always comes to a need.
The next morning we woke up and i must say it’s been awhile since i had the pleasure of not waking up alone anymore. We talked some more and i was open about my feelings and fears. She said i couldn’t expect anymore then she gave me so far and i was truly amazed. I guess she didn’t knew how much she has given me already. I felt so damn sensitive it’s hard to believe a guy like me could even become so soft again. It even surprised me. It was hard saying goodbye, but i could easily hide that behind all the positive things that went through me. But the minute i came back home i crashed. I don’t know why, i guess all the things i felt became too much for me to handle. I felt tears coming and i didn’t try to resist. I’m just not used to feel anything anymore, especially my own emotions. After that encounter we texted a lot more. Several days have passed now and i can feel so much changing in side of me in a positive way, but i am still afraid and she knows. Afraid of everything i feel and how vulnerable it makes me. I usually destroy the ones who bring fear to me, but i will destroy my fear for her. I’ll destroy all my negativity if i must, whatever it takes to keep this girl by my side. I can feel things in her no one can, i`m sure of that. Whatever power i have i become powerless in her presence and it might sound strange, but it feels liberating and safe.
“The greatest fear in the world is the opinion of others, and the moment you are unafraid of the crowd, you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom.” - Osho
